A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

The Loving Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”?

WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: ” $ 70,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $ 950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks:

......

......

......


“Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student

"John" ,

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?"

"Watching bubbles in bath," came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.

"Sir, what is your name ?"

"Jeff!" ,

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?"

"Watching bubbles in bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles!"

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

RAGGY! I'm still waiting for your answer!!

A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it's first drive on the street.

As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver's side window and asked "Nice car there Sonny, what is it?"

"Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!" exclaimed the cocky attorney. "And" he continued, "it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!"

"Wow," replied the old man, "mind if I take a look inside?" he asked. "Of course not," the lawyer said proudly.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, "That's a pretty fancy sportscar, all right... but I'll stick with my scooter!"

Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he's doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?" the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again... this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the lawyer. "How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react... Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it's the old man on the mobility scooter!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and moans, finally he replies... "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. "Dey makes you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

An employee of US Airway with the last name of Gay boarded a US Airway flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to the next available seat.

Soon after he changed seats the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Airway employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the plane became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I''m sorry, but you''ll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"

No Swimming


A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.




** Fixed Price **


3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!

They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live the Queen' and died.

At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, 'Banzai' and died.

Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down.

Before he died, he shouted, 'KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!'




Why Do We Work So Hard??


>On the very first day of the world, God created the cow.He said to the
>cow:
>"Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you!
>Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long.You will
>provide the energy to pull things!
>You will also provide milk for people to drink!
>You are to work all day under the sun! In return, you will only eat
grass.
>For that, you will have a life span of 50 years."
>Ah Gu objected.
>"What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eat grass!
>On top of that, I have to give my milk away!
>This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll take 20 and you
can
>have the remaining 30 years back!" God agreed.>
>
On the next day, God created the dog.
>He said to the dog.
>"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose.
>You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house!
>Should anyone come in, you are to bark at them!
>In return, you will eat your master's leftovers.
>I'll give you a life span of 20 years."
>Ah Kow objected.
>" What!
>I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at people, and
>what
>do I get...LEFTOVERS...
>This isn't right, I'll take 10 and you can have the remaining 10 years
>back!"
>God agreed again.
>
On the third day, God created the monkey.
>He said to the monkey.
>"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people.
>You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces!
>You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them.
>In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts.
>For that, I'll give you 20 years to live."
>Naturally the monkey objected.
>"This is ridiculous,
>I gotta make faces and make people laugh let not even come to the part
>about the trees and somersaults.
>Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my
>existence and I'll take 10.
>What do you think?"
>God agreed again.
>
>
On the forth day, God created humans.
>God said to the man.
>"You are my best piece of work, for that, you will only need to sleep,
>eat,
>sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else.You will get to eat
all
>the best things and play with the best toys.
>All you need to do is enjoy all your life.
>For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years."
>Just like the rest, the man objected.
>"What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and I have only 20
years
>to live?
>Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah Kow and
>another 10 from Lao Kao and you probably don't know what to do with
all
>those lifes. Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?"
God
>being such good natured, agreed with a smile.....
>AND THAT IS WHY.....
>We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of our lives when
we
>are growing up.
>Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family.
>Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10 when we are
>retired.
>And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our
>grandchildren for the final 10 years.
>GET IT ?????

=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============

And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

PREGNANT


An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "f*** her again."!!

The Big Flood

One day, there was a big flood. It was rising up to a man's house. The army, navy, and air force were rescuing people from their houses. An army jeep came up to a man's house that the water was rising up to.
Driver: Hey man! Get in!
Man: No! I'm trusting God!

The jeep drove off. The water rose up above his front porch. The man went into his house. Just then, a man driving driving a navy boat came up to his house.

Driver: Hey man! Get in! The water's getting high!
Man: No! I'm trusting God!

The wind started making huge waves. So the man drove off. Suddenly, the water rose very high. The man then climbed to the top of his house. Then, a helicopter from the air force flew in and dropped a rope ladder down to the man.

Pilot: Hey man! Grab the ladder and let's get out of here!
Man: No! I'm trusting God!

After that, the water rose very high and the man drowned. Then, the man went up to heaven and knew that he was there and he saw God.

Man: Hey God, I'm glad to be here, but tell me one thing, why didn't you save
me from the flood?
God: Well, I sent you a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter. What else did you
want?

Poor Priest

A priest was taking a shower late at night when he realised that there were no more bars of soap in the toilet, and thus he couldnt wash himself. He came out of the shower and realised he forgot to bring his towel along too, and could not dry himself. So he powdered himself dry and proceeded to look for some soap. As it was late at night, and the priest was feeling a bit daring, he decided to head to the nun's toilet and get the soap bar from there.

He tiptoed over to the toilet and managed to get two bars of soap, and started heading back to his toilet. However as he was about to leave the nun's toilet, he heard voices approaching! Thinking fast, he quickly stood perfectly still against the wall of the toilet.

Three nuns came in and saw the white figure. They exclaimed to each other, "Wow that is new in this toilet, i wonder why is this statue put here." Then one of the nuns spotted the priest's "knob" and said, "Oh what is that thing?" and proceeded to pull it.

The priest was so shocked that he accidentally dropped one of the soap bars. "Oh it is a soap dispenser!" said the nuns. The second nun pulled his "knob" as well and the second soap bar dropped. The third nun also pulled it, but nothing happened. The third nun did not want to lose out to the first two nuns, so she pulled and turned and pushed the 'knob' many many times. Suddenly she exclaimed, "Oh look! Hand cream!"

Johnny was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot. Looking up to heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking spot suddenly appeared.
Johnny looked up again and said: "Never mind, I found one."

History of Telecommunication.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Italian scientists found traces of
copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors
already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist
dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read:

'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Italian's.

One week later, the Punjab Times, a local newspaper in India , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Amritsar , in the Indian state of
Punjab , Dugdeep Singh, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing.

Dugdeep has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, India had already gone wireless!

Funny Quotes

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.



　　
　　One should love animals. They are so tasty.



　　
　　Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

　　

　　Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.


　　

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.



　　

　　Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.



　　

　　The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.



　　
　Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.



　　
　　Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.



This is it. I've reached the pinnacle of laziness and gluttony... How depressing. There's no place to go after you've reached the top.



If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.



Odie, let's talk effort versus return here. You know, you can still lead a pointless life without all that running around.




Good times are ahead ! Or behind. Because they sure aren't here.



　　
　　Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.


　　
　　Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.



　　
　　"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

　
　　
　　There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.


　　

　　"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "



　　
　　"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "



　　
　　God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.



　　
　　When two's company, three's the result!

　
　　

　　A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

HAHAHAH NICE ONE